On March 7, four foolish heroes dared stand up to the unknowable infinite horror of those forces which exist outside of our space and time. For our first (and hopefully not last) Lovecraftian Dungeon Crawl, those brave fools were:

• Nick Caddaye, long-time Dungeon Crawler, sketch comedy writer and performer, and host of Late Night Letters and Numbers as Robert Percival Bob VI, an english mountaineer and adventurer;
• Michelle Nussey, improviser and star of both The Big Hoo-Haa and Late Night Impro, as antique dealer and 1930s progressive Gloria Cucumberworthy;
• Richard Watts, arts writer, broadcaster and writer on several Call of Cthulhu books, as Ezekiel Whipplemarsh Esq., Professor of Medieval Metaphysics at Miskatonic University, who has a phobia of waistcoats; and
• Robert Reid, theatre maker, playwright and co-founder of Pop Up Playground, as Brendan Marsh, ex-opium addict and tax exile originally from Innsmouth.

These four unlikely protagonists found themselves in each other’s company in Arkham, Massachusetts at an auction for the deceased estate of John Vladamir Batman, a famous pornography tycoon who had recently come back from mysterious Albuquerque, and died shortly after when he was gored to death by the statue of a boar mounted on his favourite grandfather clock, which fell on him. So not a suspicious death, then.

Of note at the auction was a strange goblet, brought back by Batman from Albuquerque. Robert Percival Bob VI successfully bids £100,000 for the cup, but after the auction one of the other bidders, Boris von The Badguy, threatens them and demands the cup. Robert hands it over, but his new friends overpower Boris and he dies, uttering only “Never…find…the…” Our heroes discover the cup had been given by Batman to another man before being returned shortly before his death: Stephen Kent. But it’s late, and Robert needs a drink, so they retire to his opulent shack for the evening.

That night, the quartet are plagued by nightmares: Whipplemarsh dreams of “The Living Waistcoat”, and flashes back to the source of his phobia, the Talking Squid of Innsmouth, which wore a waistcoat of flayed human skin; Marsh is visited by a hideous rabbit from the IRS with an endless array of forms; Cucumberworthy is taunted by visions of The Price is Right and the horror of becoming a stereotypical suburban housewife; and Bob VI is confronted by the horror of sobriety as an Abominable Snowman taunts him by taking away his beer.

The next day they group learn from the portraits of prominent townsfolk in Bob VI’s shack that Stephen Kent lives nearby; when they call on him, his butler ushers them in, and they find a man driven mad, half-naked, ranting about bacon and eggs and toast, and mumbling about the stars being so close. He explains through a chicken metaphor that the cup is for use in a summoning ritual, though the ritual can go ahead without it; Kent and/or his butler successfully complete the ritual, and dread Cthulhu himself appears!

Cthulhu proves rather annoyed that his Summer holiday has been interrupted, and threatens to destroy the world, referring to them all as Doris; Bob VI persuades Marsh to kill himself, apparently in an attempt to undo the ritual, but Cthulhu brings him back to life. After some confusing dialogue, the butler is cursed to dance for Cthulhu’s amusement, but he is thrown into the portal from which Cthulhu emerged. Whipplemarsh brings out his Necronomicon and the group chant Gthulhu a lullaby from within, and the beast is sated. The world is saved…but at what cost?

Our heroes do not escape unscathed: Marsh is undead, Gloria no longer believes in wearing pants, Ezekiel has overcome his fear of waistcoats but becomes a serial killer, strangling women named Doris…with a waistcoat; and Robert reveals that he wanted to summon Cthulhu all along. But such is the toll for crawling beyond madness!

Check out the photos below from the always brilliant Robert Young: