Our ragtag crew of irreputable rebel scum, codenamed “Sunshine Harvester”, were:

• Nadia Collins as Princess Armadillo – the only galactic princess who can curl up into an armoured ball when threatened! (And seriously: check out the costume in the photos below. This is why we love having Nadia back – she backs up her puns with arts and crafts.)
• Bernard Caleo as Gary Solo, an actor in interspecies erotica with Outer Rim Pictures, forced to retire after he lost some vital “equipment” on a Tatooine shoot with the Sarlaac.
• Rama Nicholas as Looter “Lootsy” McLooterson, pilot of the surprisingly sexy starship the Hefty Rancor, and secretly suffering from hair loss.
• Danny McGinlay as Bendak “Benders” Starkiller, Jedi Academy dropout and pod race fan from the far Outer Rim, specifically the planet Dandenong. Turned out to be familiar with most of Gary’s work, with favourite films including Some Like it Hutt, Wampa Stomper, Dagobabes and Naboobs.

The team meet with Mon Mothma, leader of the Rebel Alliance, on a secret starship base. Recently evacuated from Hoth, Mothma stops counting all the Bothans lost bringing her information, secret plans and breakfast long enough to explain that she left a very important briefcase behind at the Hoth base, and she wants Sunshine Harvester to retrieve it for her. Landing on Hoth, the crew find no evidence that the Imperials are still there – but they are attacked by a wampa! Thankfully, though, it turns out to be Fluffy, Lootsky’s old pet who’s now all grown up – and she knows just where he likes to be scratched. He refuses to come along for the ride, though, as he has become enamoured with Princess Armadillo – especially when she curls up into a ball. While he’s distracted, Gary accesses the base computer systems and finds that the Stormtroopers all shipped out to Bespin – and they took the case they’re after with them.

They fly to Cloud City, now renamed Death City by the occupying Imperials, who’ve painted it black and put skulls everywhere. Oh, and built a Pieface. There they meet Brian, an unfortunate bachelor whose mates froze him in Carbonite as a buck’s night prank. He’s been there a while and seen the Stormtroopers come and go, but it’s not until Armadillo accidentally breaks his arm off that he talks: the Trooper with the case sold it on eBay to a guy from Coruscant.

The Hefty Rancor makes short work of the trip to Coruscant, the planet made of cities and home of Bender’s source of income, Coruscanterlink. There they meet a bounty hunter named “The Dude” who seems to be the real deal: he’s wearing a vest, and during the back and forth over what he knows, shoots first – badly wounding first Lootsky and then Gary. Both entreat Benders to “use…the…f…”, but he’s confused until Gary utters the word “fridge”. Using his mastery of the Force, Benders grabs a bar fridge and smashes it into the Dude’s face, whereupon his bravado evaporates and he admits that he found the vest and gun on the body of a dead bounty hunter – along with a GPS tracking device that can find the case.

After applying healing salve to their fallen, all four of the Sunshine Harvester crew grab flying Segways and head to the source of the case’s signal: the Emperor’s Palace! And, in fact, it’s right in the Emperor’s throne room – where the Emperor himself appears, taunting them with the bag they’re after! His lightsaber turns out to be somewhat inadequate, however, and Armadillo manages to fell him with her own saber, whereupon he vanishes. One of the Imperial Guard reveals that he let the Harvesters in as a prank, and they go through the bag, finding nothing much important beyond some receipts. They plan to return to Rebel headquarters, but Gary has a great idea – he’ll put on the Emperor’s robe and play a joke on Mon Mothma! It’ll be hilarious!

Well, it’s less hilarious and more…deadly. Mothma has a heart attack on seeing what she thinks is the Emperor, and is never able to explain what was so important about the bag. Our heroes, though, decide to get paid anyway, by stealing her credits, and they fly off into the stars to fulfil their dreams…

Thanks to everyone in the cast, to our audience, to Jess and Darryl for the props and costumes, and of course to Rob Young, who took all the amazing photos you can see below. Plus special congratulations to Danny McGinlay for winning “Pun of the Match” – partly for all the Star Wars porn movie titles, but mostly for the comment that everyone had a “vested interest”. See you next month!

And as if that’s not enough to entice you, check out this secret transmission intercepted by Bothan spies: Richard McKenzie‘s interview with SYN’s In Joke program.

So fire up the beam emitter, polish the focusing crystal and watch where you point that new lightsaber as you join us for adventure. May the Second be with you!

Dungeon Crawl Episode V: The Empire Crawls Back starts at 8:30 PM tonight – Wednesday, May 2nd 2012. Tickets are $15 at the door, or $14 inc. booking fee if purchased online at bellaunion.com.au. Doors open from 7:30 PM.

• Nick Caddaye, long-time Dungeon Crawler, sketch comedy writer and performer, and host of Late Night Letters and Numbers as Robert Percival Bob VI, an english mountaineer and adventurer;
• Michelle Nussey, improviser and star of both The Big Hoo-Haa and Late Night Impro, as antique dealer and 1930s progressive Gloria Cucumberworthy;
• Richard Watts, arts writer, broadcaster and writer on several Call of Cthulhu books, as Ezekiel Whipplemarsh Esq., Professor of Medieval Metaphysics at Miskatonic University, who has a phobia of waistcoats; and
• Robert Reid, theatre maker, playwright and co-founder of Pop Up Playground, as Brendan Marsh, ex-opium addict and tax exile originally from Innsmouth.

These four unlikely protagonists found themselves in each other’s company in Arkham, Massachusetts at an auction for the deceased estate of John Vladamir Batman, a famous pornography tycoon who had recently come back from mysterious Albuquerque, and died shortly after when he was gored to death by the statue of a boar mounted on his favourite grandfather clock, which fell on him. So not a suspicious death, then.

Of note at the auction was a strange goblet, brought back by Batman from Albuquerque. Robert Percival Bob VI successfully bids £100,000 for the cup, but after the auction one of the other bidders, Boris von The Badguy, threatens them and demands the cup. Robert hands it over, but his new friends overpower Boris and he dies, uttering only “Never…find…the…” Our heroes discover the cup had been given by Batman to another man before being returned shortly before his death: Stephen Kent. But it’s late, and Robert needs a drink, so they retire to his opulent shack for the evening.

That night, the quartet are plagued by nightmares: Whipplemarsh dreams of “The Living Waistcoat”, and flashes back to the source of his phobia, the Talking Squid of Innsmouth, which wore a waistcoat of flayed human skin; Marsh is visited by a hideous rabbit from the IRS with an endless array of forms; Cucumberworthy is taunted by visions of The Price is Right and the horror of becoming a stereotypical suburban housewife; and Bob VI is confronted by the horror of sobriety as an Abominable Snowman taunts him by taking away his beer.

The next day they group learn from the portraits of prominent townsfolk in Bob VI’s shack that Stephen Kent lives nearby; when they call on him, his butler ushers them in, and they find a man driven mad, half-naked, ranting about bacon and eggs and toast, and mumbling about the stars being so close. He explains through a chicken metaphor that the cup is for use in a summoning ritual, though the ritual can go ahead without it; Kent and/or his butler successfully complete the ritual, and dread Cthulhu himself appears!

Cthulhu proves rather annoyed that his Summer holiday has been interrupted, and threatens to destroy the world, referring to them all as Doris; Bob VI persuades Marsh to kill himself, apparently in an attempt to undo the ritual, but Cthulhu brings him back to life. After some confusing dialogue, the butler is cursed to dance for Cthulhu’s amusement, but he is thrown into the portal from which Cthulhu emerged. Whipplemarsh brings out his Necronomicon and the group chant Gthulhu a lullaby from within, and the beast is sated. The world is saved…but at what cost?

Our heroes do not escape unscathed: Marsh is undead, Gloria no longer believes in wearing pants, Ezekiel has overcome his fear of waistcoats but becomes a serial killer, strangling women named Doris…with a waistcoat; and Robert reveals that he wanted to summon Cthulhu all along. But such is the toll for crawling beyond madness!

Check out the photos below from the always brilliant Robert Young:

Join us at 8:30 PM on Wednesday, March 7 at the Bella Union for The Dungeon Out of Time that Crawled Beyond Madness - tickets $14 online, or $15 at the door.

And don’t forget to stick around after the show to join Pop Up Playground for a free trial of their new MICF show. Play a new version of the parlour game classic Werewolf with a bunch of guest comedians, including guests from Dungeon Crawl. The show is free, but to make sure you have a seat, book tickets for it online.